


The Flaws of Biology

by scifi



Series: phandom bingo [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Christmas, Fluff, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, baby talk, christmas at the lesters, this has the overlying theme of mpreg but it's not like the kink it's the emotion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 15:25:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16200323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifi/pseuds/scifi
Summary: sometimes phil wishes that he could have dan’s child





	The Flaws of Biology

**Author's Note:**

> written for phandomficfests bingo using the prompt ‘pregnancy/adoption’

There was nothing quite like Christmas like a Lester family Christmas. Ever since he was just a boy the holiday was special; filled with gingerbread and board games, and, as he got older, a copious amount of wine. He always remembered Christmas as being cosy; snuggled up beside the fireplace and smothered in love by his family. He’d always feel warm even though he’d spent too many Christmas days without Dan beside him. They usually had their own little Christmas together a few days before but this year was different. This year he’s able to wake up on December 25th with Dan beside him. This year the Lester family felt complete.

A yawn escapes him. Phil doesn’t know what time it is but it must be late judging from Dan asleep on his lap. His hand is in the mess of curls resting on his lap, playing with them gently, careful not to wake him. Dan had drifted off a while ago and Phil hadn’t had the heart to move him, even if his legs were starting to go numb. 

“Tired love?”

They are in the sitting room, the fireplace still roaring in front of them. Phil looks to his left where Kath is, sitting on an armchair with her legs drawn up, a cup of tea in her hands. Everyone else had gone to sleep for the night but the three of them remained.

“A bit,” Phil replies, yawning again. 

“You two should head off. You know how early your father likes to get up on Christmas morning,” Kath says, taking a sip of her tea.

Phil looks down at the gorgeous man asleep on his lap, “Don’t wanna wake him just yet.”

He pulls at a chestnut curl softly, smiling as it springs back.

“I’m glad he was able to come up this year. It’s good to see you happy.”

“I’m always happy at Christmas.”

“You know what I mean love.”

He did know exactly what she meant, “Yeah.”

As much as they seemed to make the old way work there was something about having Dan a couple hundred miles away that always made his heartache. That feeling wasn’t even exclusive with Christmas. Whenever he and Dan spent the rare night apart, something within him never felt complete. 

“When will the house be finalised?” Kath asks.

He gives her a shrug, “Hopefully by the end of January. We’re still looking in case this one isn’t it but we both love it. But soon.”

She smiles, “Then you two will be able to host Christmas with both the families.”

He rolls his eyes lightheartedly at the mere concept, “I’d make a terrible dinner. Probs turn the turkey into ash.”

“I wouldn’t let you near the turkey,” Kath chuckles, quiet enough to not disturb Dan.

They fall into silence then. It is comfortable, reminiscent of all his years growing up when the two of them would talk about the future. Except this wasn’t their Rawtenstall home and this time around he has his partner asleep on his lap. Phil from years ago would never have expected life to end up like this, spending his tenth Christmas, out of hopefully decades more, with Dan. 

He looks down at Dan, fingers brushing delicately along Dan’s cheek, and he doesn’t even twitch. After almost a decade they were moving onto the next chapter, the one filled with a forever home, and settling down. They’d lived together for so many years that buying a house shouldn’t feel so dramatic but it does. It feels like a physical reminder of how much they meant to each other. It makes Phil’s heart do a little flip but it’s also scary. Everything was happening so fast and soon there wouldn’t be any days left to wait.

“It feels proper,” Phil says, breaking the silence. “Buying a house. Makes me nervous in a way, even though I shouldn’t be. It’s all we’ve ever wanted to do since our Manchester days.”

“It’s a big step dear. Buying a house means getting serious,” Kath replies.

His lips twitch into a slight smirk, “We’ve been together over nine years I think getting serious happened long ago.”

“I meant…” she hesitates.

He raises his eyebrows, “What?”

“Have you two thought about kids lately?” Kath asks cautiously, “I mean not right away but now that you’ll be settled is it an option?”

Kids. Every year she asks the question and every year Phil’s answer is the same. He dodges her, not wanting to think about children. It was something that made his tummy feel all the wrong feelings. Not because he didn’t want kids. Oh, he wants them dearly. But what he wants the most in unattainable with Dan and some days that hit harder than others. And as his mother’s question sunk in he felt the flaws of biology hit him square in the belly.

“Dan wants kids,” he says. “He’d make a fantastic dad.”

It’s true. He would. Dan’s always had a charm around children even if he didn’t like admitting it. 

Kath tilts her head and asks, “What about you?”

“We still have a lot to sort out before any of that. Gotta get a fur baby first.”

She sighs, “My grandbabies can’t all be dogs”

On his lap Dan shifts, stirring from his sleep as he mumbles, “Dogs?”

Phil looks down at  him and smiles, thankful for his convenient timing, “Have a good nap sleepyhead?”

“Mmmhmm you’re comfy,” Dan says, rolling until his face is buried in his tummy. Phil runs his fingers through the back of Dan’s head, ruffling his curls. 

Across from them, Kath stands up. “We should all head to bed it’s well after midnight.”

“Merry Christmas Kath,” Dan shifts position quickly, turning to face her as if he had forgotten that she was in the room at all.  

“Merry Christmas to you too Daniel. Don’t forget to leave milk and cookies out for Santa,” She steps over to them and reaches down to tap the tip of Dan’s nose, causing him to giggle.

“Night mum.”

Kath pinches his cheek gently, “Sleep well, child.”

She looks at him for a few seconds that feel like they stretch out for an eternity before leaving them alone. He knows she isn’t satisfied with how he dodged the children bullet for another year but it’s late. The moment may have passed but his insides still feel flipped. 

They don’t linger in the sitting room after Kath leave, instead of retiring to the guest bedroom with a sleepy Dan beside him. The bed is small but he doesn’t mind. In fact, he craves being as close as possible to Dan on nights like tonight when his thoughts become a little too loud. 

He thinks that it almost works, that having Dan curled up beside him banished the talk of kids from his head.  He focuses on the warmth radiating from his partner beneath the blankets and the sound of rain outside. 

He thinks it’s enough to stop himself from thinking about kids.

It’s not enough.

“What’s wrong?” Dan whispers against the back of his neck. 

“Nothing.”

It’s a lie as plain as day and he knows Dan will be able to tell but he doesn’t want to admit to how he is feeling just yet.

Dan tightens his arm around his waist, pulling him closer until there is no space between them, “Wanna have sex?”

The suggestion is nice but he knows it means that Dan is worried about him. That he knows something is playing on his mind.

“Tired.” 

“I can feel you thinking,” Dan says. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”

“It’s silly.”

“Babe.”

Dan’s tone holds nothing but concern and Phil realises that there is no way in hell he’d be able to dodge both his mum and Dan on the same night.

He doesn’t have the heart to turn around, to look Dan in the eye. They’ve had this conversation before, years ago, back when everything felt so new and youthful; back when kids were a distant dream instead of a near-future possibility. 

“Mum asked me about kids earlier,” Phil says barely louder than a whisper.

Dan is silent for a few moments before responding, “As in us having them?”

He nods. His heart starts to race at that. They’d just opened a can of worms that hasn’t been touched in years and he doesn’t know if he’s ready to face it.

“What did you tell her?” Dan asks, his voice soft and steady.

“Kinda dodged the question,” Phil sighs. 

Dan presses a kiss onto his neck, firm and familiar, “Can’t blame her for asking. She wants new Lesters to spoil.”

“It’s not that,” He replies under his breath.

“Hmm?”

“It’s dumb.”

“Nothings dumb.”

“This is.”

Dan doesn’t reply. Instead, he shuffles back, untangling himself from Phil in favour of rolling onto his back. It’s an invitation for Phil to open up, that he’s listening. He knows that Dan would never think that anything he says is dumb, that his feelings - no matter how silly - are important. It’s that knowledge that allows for Phil to roll onto his back. He still can’t look at Dan, not yet. Instead, he opts to look up at the ceiling.

“Biology sucks” He finally mumbles. “We’ll have kids one day like I know that for certain.”

“I sense a but coming.”

“But I wish we could have a biological child,” His chest feels heavy with the weight of those words. There it is, reality knocking him over again and this time it just too much. He doesn’t have to stay composed in the presence of his mother. He’s with Dan, the man who has seen him at his most vulnerable and loves each vulnerability vehemently.

He lets the weight of reality finally knock him over until his cheeks are wet with tears and his already blurred vision becomes even more out of focus. Feelings he has repressed for years were rising to the surface and rolling down his cheeks. He felt pathetic but he knows that Dan will see him as anything but.

“Hey now, Phil,” Dan curls up into his side, pulling him flush against his body. Phil crumples up into him like cut ribbon, wanting to do nothing more than disappear into Dan, escaping the painful laws of biology and the impact that has on their lives.

Dan kisses his forehead, “It’s okay.”

It’s not okay. It might never be okay.

“It’s not fair,” Phil says instead, muffled by Dan’s chest.

“I know,” Dan says and then again, this time with lament, “I know.”

“I can’t help but imagine what our child would look like. They’d have your curly hair, your dimples… your nose,” He trails off. He can picture it perfectly in his head, a baby girl in Dan’s arms; the result of their love in a physical form. It is a daydream that makes his heart ache because it is never going to happen. Never able to happen. 

Dan hums, “And your eyes, and the way you smile with too much teeth, and they’d be as brilliantly weird as you.”

“Our child would be perfect,” Phil sighs and it hitches as the last remnant of a sob catches in his throat.

“Our children will be perfect,” Dan counters, running a hand up and down his back in comforting repetition. “They might not be blood but they’ll be family. A family is who you choose, not just who you’re born with. We chose each other and our kids will choose us when the time is right.”

Dan’s right. He’s the voice of reason that Phil needs to hear during nights like tonight. They’d have a little family built from choice and not just blood ties and that was special upon itself but it still doesn’t stop his chest from aching.

“I know,” He whispers, placing a kiss on Dan’s chest. He’s suddenly glad that he didn’t wear a shirt to bed. “I’m so excited to be a father with you Dan. I’m just sad.”

“It’s okay to be sad,” Dan says, once again being the voice of reason.

Sad is okay. Sad means accepting reality, that their curly daughter of his dreams would only ever be a dream because biology sucks and life isn’t fair.

“I wish I could have your child,” Phil says, not caring if that sounds too much like the mpreg jokes Dan and their fans tease him with. He doesn’t care because it’s the truth. All he wants in life is to carry Dan’s child, to feel the life they made together grow inside him, but he knows that can never happen. It’s just a fantasy fueled by too much internet and a primal urge to be as close to Dan as physically possible

“I wish you could to” Dan whispers and that catches Phil off guard - that he genuinely wants that and it’s not just him catering to Phil’s desired. Then, barely louder than a breath, Dan continues, “It’s a good thing anyway, not passing on the Howell genes. We have too much baggage in our DNA.”

“Don’t sell yourself short.” He hates when Dan talks down about himself and his family. Phil loves every single imperfection that comprises Dan because good cannot exist without the not so good and he unconditionally loves all the intricate parts of his partner.

There’s a pause. Dan’s thinking, he can tell. Phil wishes he could climb inside that gorgeous mind of his and figure him out. He wonders if Dan is sad too, if, unlike Phil, he was holding back tears because it is his turn to be brave in the face of reality. 

“It’s what I say to make reality less shitty,” Dan says with a shaky voice after what felt like an aeon but was probably only a couple of moments.

Dan’s word sit in the air, making the room feel heavy with the truth. They weren’t alone in this struggle. Biology wasn’t in the favour of so many couples in the world but it felt personal. A punch in his chest that it wasn’t just him who was sad about not ever having a biological child.

Dan is hurt too and Phil couldn’t have that. All remaining tears that threaten to fall vanish as he wraps himself around Dan tightly, burying his head into the crook of his neck. He’s hoping that holding him close would make it all better. That Dan wouldn’t feel sad anymore because he never wants to see him sad.

They become an entanglement of limbs, clinging onto each other as if letting go would cause them to break into pieces like a porcelain doll. Dan is warm against him and in this position Phil can hear his heartbeat. It’s quick and heavy but the sound is relaxing. It’s grounding. His heartbeat is a reminder that just because biology may not be in their favour it doesn’t mean that what they already have isn’t perfect. They have an established career, a forever home almost finalised, plans for romantic holidays, a dog, and then, when the time’s right, even a kid or two. All of those are choices. They chose each other and they’ll choose their future - or maybe their future will choose them but either way, it was choice and not blood ties that formed the foundations of their life together. 

Silence drags out until the air begins to feel lighter as the harsh reality becomes less scary. He doesn’t know what’s going on inside Dan’s brain but he hopes that they’re on a similar wavelength. He hopes Dan knows that was their choices will be endlessly better than the unattainable dream of creating life.

“Is that why you two were talking about dogs?” Dan asks, the question feels loud after the elongated silence between them.

“Mmmhmm,” He hums into Dan’s neck.

Dan rolls backwards, untangling their bodies so he could look at Phil. He wants to curl back into Dan’s warmth but there’s something about Dan’s eyes that are so comforting. Warm and brown, full of a decade of unending love. Whatever fear of reality that still lingers vanishes under his gaze. He is reassuring, comforting, a reminder of how all they need is each other to be happy.

Dan smiles, wide and toothy in a way that makes his eyes crinkle up. He’s gorgeous, unbelievably so and although his heart aches that everything beautiful about Dan won’t get passed down to future generations, he knows that it doesn’t matter.

“We’re gonna make amazing dog dads and eventually pretty great human dads too,” Dan reaches out to stroke his cheek and Phil melts into the touch. 

“If we have a daughter can we call her Susan?” He asks. He already knows the answer

Dan chuckles, “Middle name what? How many Susans would we be up to by then?”

“Susan Ninety-Five Howell-Lester,” He responds, each word filled with utter seriousness.

“You’re ridiculous,” Dan shoves Phil lightly and they both break out into laughter. Genuine laughter. The melodic laughs spilling from them feel foreign compared to the emotions from just before but it felt right. Seriousness could never last long between them.

They fall silent after a while, staring at each other with their fingers entwined. Just staring.

“Thank you, Dan,” Phil says as he leans down to kiss Dan’s fingers.

“For what?”

“Being you.”

“Anytime babe,” Dan replies tenderly. “Anyways, biology sucks but at least it means we don't have to worry about using protection every time we fuck.”

“All that money saved on condoms,” he giggles, thankful for the lighter shift in conversation. That was definitely one positive spin on the sadness of tonight and he was thankful. “I think we’re the real winners here.” 

Dan grins and then unlinks his fingers to caress Phil’s cheek again, “Tired?”

“No,” He says through a yawn.

Dan leans over to kiss him soft and sweet on the lips.

“Go to sleep, you’ll regret it when dad drags us down to breakfast.”

“Kay,” He doesn’t want to but he feels drained. The weight on his chest didn’t feel fully lifted but perhaps it never will. Having Dan’s baby might always be in the back of his mind but that was okay. As long as he has Dan none of that would ever matter because they love each other unconditionally and that is better than any baby. “Merry Christmas love.”

Dan curls up along his side, nuzzling into the crook of his neck, “Merry g’night to you too. Have sweet mpreg dreams”

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on [tumblr](http://scifiphan.tumblr.com)


End file.
